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Undoubtedly, there are instances wherein all of us wish we could better assert ourselves and assert things without fear, inhibition or hesitation. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and squirmed at the image of someone who had failed to assert himself? Sometimes there are instances when it feels as if we are unable to overcome our inability to say or do the right things.

Lots of people have insecurities about several aspects in their capabilities. It could be of their knowledge, skills, or even physical appearances. These insecurities affect the way we communicate. Our essential prejudices of communication - not what we communicate, but how we communicate it - are created by the layout and connectivity of our neurons, much of probably laid down before we are born and further modeled by our lifetime experience and education. The lack of assertiveness blurs communications with others, while assertiveness gives a singular advantage over others. Assertiveness is essential to constructive and creative communications, while the lack of it creates frustration, loss of genuine interest, misunderstandings and low productivity at work.

Assertiveness is often listed as one of the qualities of effective leaders and managers, as a prerequisite for effective communications and an essential ingredient to self-development and growth. Assertiveness is key to the realization of one’s objectives. Without it the path from wishes to goal realization is bound to be torturous and paved with setbacks and hardships. People lacking assertiveness may not always be happy with the decisions made by others. Nevertheless, they tend to feel that it is much easier to let others make all the decisions. These people usually have a rather low self-esteem, tending to believe that they are weak, incompetent, or too unintelligent to make their own decisions. Sooner or later, these people will resent the fact that their needs are always overlooked and find themselves losing their temper, with possible serious consequences. Indeed, people who are always at the back seat may end up in a depressive state, angered, or emotionally disturbed. In the best cases, people with a lack of assertiveness will repeatedly miss out on rewarding opportunities.

Assertiveness is closely related with being effective. Assertive people project a reassuring image of people who can be trusted, whose opinion matters and people to reckon with. It is probably because an assertive person has the ability to boost the chances of obtaining the desired results. It is also probably because assertive people are in a personal mental state that facilitates overcoming fears, hindrances, opposition and setbacks. Assertive people are also knowledgeable about thinking methods and processes that are conducive to disentangling complex issues and showing the way out of problems and difficulties. Assertive people know how to communicate with others, reaching out to their hearts and minds with an astonishing ability to know what is in another person’s mind. People with a high degree of assertiveness are normally more likely to be successful “all other aspects being equal” than those who communicate in a passive or aggressive manner.

So, in essence assertiveness involves knowing your goals and ways to keep pressure till they are realized, being aware of thought and problem solving processes, developing a self-confident and balanced personality, and, finally, knowing your interlocutors and ways to touch their emotions and walk their neurological pathways. Hence, an assertive person combines a variety of qualities that are selectively put to use in accordance with what is required by the circumstances. Unbalanced use of this set quality may portray an image of arrogance, stubbornness, or selfishness. That is why assertiveness training must evolve around the development of skills that are sometimes at the opposite spectrum. This may entail balancing conflicting interests and approaches, finding the right mix between argumentation and the mere exercise of pressure to achieve results, or between playing out personal advantages and being mindful of the other’s interests and emotions. Each situation is likely to warrant a different response. Truly assertive people are skillful in recognizing situations and responding accordingly.

The context is of paramount importance in determining the right attitude. Sometimes the behaviours and responses that once had a positive value cease to be useful under other circumstances. Sometimes they simply outlive their usefulness. At other times, we can accomplish the objectives in more elegant and effective ways. “Keeping quiet and not speaking up” may once have accomplished something useful in a home with an angry, abusive parent, or with a dominant schoolmate. Yet the lack of basic assertiveness does not serve adults well in the world.

The good news is that assertiveness is a skill that can be learnt. We are about to publish a book that takes you through practical recommendations to enhance own assertiveness skills through a four-faceted programme, which evolves around yourself and the other, and around the thought process and the mere result-oriented techniques. Here you will discover simple and useful techniques to boost your assertiveness. This book also discovers the nature of assertiveness and determines practical ways in which you can work. But, like any other skill, assertiveness takes time to learn.

Sarah and M’Hamed CHERIF are experienced consultants, respectevely, in the field of self-development and business management, and economic and business development. They have been involved in training, running seminars and coaching. Recently, the have established a company, Cutesolutions, which specialises in innovative training. Since then, innovative courses have development on personal development issues, such as leadership, assertiveness, communication, basic creativity skills, speaking with impact, personal success. The authors are also in the process of producing CDROMs, books and other material on the same topics. For further information, please visit our website http://cute4u.net:8082.